Here are 12 reasons why you should elect me pope, which I'm calling: Twelve Reasons Why You Should Elect Me Pope. 1. I'm a man. That's half the battle, right? 2. I'm baptized. And I've got the papers ...

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Eminences, I know you’ve got a tough job coming up in the conclave. You have to do the impossible: elect a guy who is super holy, wicked smart, speaks about a dozen languages and can run an ...